It's a New Era

As I sit alone in my room, Bon Iver echoes throughout the underground dwelling I now call home. As I contemplate how much life has changed lately, I smile, because it is good. I've moved and am now procrastinating producing poetry for my university course. I spent about 2 hours learning today, about things that I love. I spent even more time sitting on luscious grass basking in the sun. Oh, the life I lead.

Welcome to University.

Life is good and I am no longer the confused aimless youth who created this blog, rather I am now a driven confused aimless youth who will continue writing this blog.

So here we go.

I went to school today, as I am supposed to. Following my film studies class I went to my favourite spot, to start and finish work, lo and behold was I in for a surprise. Lying there on the ground were empty Starbucks cups and an array of litter.

I really don't get it. How can people be so inconsiderate? I mean is 3 minutes of such strenuous labour really that bad. The garbage can wasn't 5 feet away. Sometimes I become disillusioned with the people we share this world with. It seems as time goes on they get more and more unbearable, whether it be their unfailing inconsideration or their arrogance, it just doesn't seem as if I, or many of the people I hold near and dear, are of the same species. The thing that gets me is that if trends don't change it's these type of people that will end up becoming our lawyers and CEO's and they, undoubtedly, will not change.

But what can you do short of stooping to their level.


In other news I have a band everyone needs to listen to. A friend of mine from my Film Art class, Sway, is the lead singer and man has he got a set of pipes:

www.myspace.com/freedomordeathmusic

Check them out, they're well worth your time! They also put on a hell of a live show.

Well I'm off to finish some poetry.

Joel

She Asks

I'm alone in this room.
Forever looms.
Screaming sickness.
A new delusion.


I look away in fear.
I look down.
Here.
"Why?", You ask.
Don't we all?
Let's wait for the fall.

Together.

And as we crawl we feel progression but really we achieve nothing but a downward fall.

The night is dark
my eyes a shadow
a preconceived notion
of ill sought devotion
I long to belong

an empty room
slowly fills
as I keep up
wallowing in hops
the lights dim
the lights spin
still the puzzle piece
no one lifts

The street lights casting
a new world basking
in pale yellow rays
a hopeful sight
amongst these
dark grays

they whiz
by
whiz
just like that
and again reminded
lone

darkness falls
hard and cold

a hearse
arriving
I
despising
these traditional seeds
is it not time

we try something

New?

And Your Eyes

and your eyes
as blue as diamonds
rough hair inviting me
red lips denying me
all I seek

to get lost here with us
that is something
that is something to behold
as we scream
at the top of our lungs
breath vanishing

you!

you don't see
you're blind
we'll toss you in
in this bleeding sea
you grope and search

blind

that's all you are
fucked beyond recognition
our collective voice
has power
power
has love
love

now we leave
sun and sky
go by

and we wait

we wait for the sun to run out

this page to run out

this ink to run out

us to run

out

Do You Really Want Change?

As our pleading cries for peace ring out
a night swallows all sound
this eerie night echoes
and in response they give violence
as the bound and tied cry out
their pleas and cries
returned
by
Silence

Amidst our blackened and cry filled sky
a car burns
set ablaze by individuals unknown
yet we all took our turn
indirectly
yet still as guilty
turning blind eyes to the violence
perpetuating
this
screaming
Silence

But why this violence
these bricks thrown
this glass shattered
these faces spat in
but why this violence
your limbs broken
for an ill begot notion?
harsh words spoken
betraying
ensuing
Silence

And what returned
a news article of a car burned
by the criminals at hand
"We defend this land!"
no message was sent
no moral was shown
no change now known
instead ensued chaos
And for good reason
for what does this accomplish
this unneeded excess
this anger
this hate
what does it solve
when our streets run
with the blood of
resolve

So 20 nations met
and the wealthy conspire
are they not the crooks
who gain from our unrewarded tire?
as we toiled and sweat
engulfed in their labour
they looked down upon us

their labor?

And so we now protest
that they have decided
to use our city
so what if they do this?
what does your violence do
what does it change
what does it prove

Le capitalisme c'est la mort.
ils sont riches parce que nous sommes pauvres.
mais pas par la violence que nous changer les chose.
que dans la paix allons-nous faire de gains.

You have no reason for anger
for you stood back
stood back and watched
you are to blame
you
for the richly insane

And if you want change
implement it yourself
their factories stop running
they don't run them themselves
they rely on you
and all of us here
what better a protest
than one they'll really
Hear?

But these are ideas
ideas unheard
but who will believe
and implement change
turn this dark sky
bright yellow again

We can all do it
but the question remains
will you take up violence
or do you really want

Change?

Enclosed

She stayed
behind the glass
enclosed
a flower
trapped in a vase
though this one of her own choosing

So much more
could be yours
they say
but she stays
content?
or just spent?
sick of fallen dreams
ill thought means
of achievement?

she was loved once
now just for one thing
but not her as a being
it’s her body’s worth
it’s flaunted
and taunted
this is her choice
to remain
behind
whilst others
fly

but is it
a choice
or a forceful
enclosure
put about
by you and I
and the world at large
the failure
of the fellow man
refusal to lend
just one
helping hand

so she stays
and for how long
will she
remain
Enclosed

Dedicated to the prostitute who looked at me with sad, depressed, longing eyes from behing her glass cage in Amsterdam.

Disclosure: I was there for tourist/thought provoking reasons only

Prise

Do you think you could prise off your own skin
make it kneel down like they before Benny Hinn
a crack of the neck
a twist of the bin
and just like that we descend into sin
do we live in our own minds
or do our minds live in us
controlling
telling us just what we can touch
impervious to the interiors
the exterior is the one to blame
the influences
the subliminal
by god its just a shame
is it the pollution that pollutes
or are we just breathing in
excrement and
sentiment
dwelling in our pain
lets just

stop

the snap of the light
the crackling sight
whats missing
the magician's dove
or the never present
cynical love

Titleless

While in the movie many died

I saw more death waiting in the queue outside

A simple street had more death to show me

Than a pg13

on a silver screen

Death, The Most Powerful Force

Rough edit of an essay

Death

The Most Powerful Force

An Inquiry Into the Effects of Death in the Memoir,

A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

By Dave Eggers

Joel Ballanger

The idea of death, the fear of it, haunts the human animal like nothing else; designed largely to avoid the fatality of death, to overcome it by denying it in some way is the consequential effect of death itself. This being prevalent throughout A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius, by Dave Eggers, in which he presents an autobiographical journey throughout his life. Although toted as a loosely inaccurate autobiography it is an autobiography nonetheless and one that is written through the eyes with which Eggers viewed his own life, a memoir rife with tragedy. As a result of tragedy, the abrupt death of both parents not two weeks apart, Eggers is unable o find closure following his parent’s deaths. It is as a result of this lack of closure and the abruptness of his parents deaths that he acquires an innate inability to, accept death; the cessation of certain matters or situations, these drawing a metaphorical parallel with the latter inability to accept death; and finally a paranoia with respect to death and an inability to accept the natural progression of youth.

As a result of his parents’ abrupt and unforeseen deaths as well as bizarre wishes to have their remains used for medical research, Eggers is struck with an inability to deal with death or anything remotely related to it. This inability is revealed at various points throughout the autobiography, most prominently when Eggers is reminiscent of his mother. Memories are common when a loved one has passed; however Eggers’ reminiscing isn’t remotely related or similar to the common reminiscing. When remembering his mother he tends to write as if she was present at the time, when in fact she has been gone for years. One example of Eggers’ past being infused in the present is revealed when Eggers reminisces of his mother while leaving the church that the funerals were held in, “ Yes she would shriek, yes! Exactly! - Then afterward she would sigh, breathing heavily and say, ‘oh that’s funny.’” (404, Eggers) This would seem an innocent and normal action however the said memory is unrelated to the current situation and is infused and integrated into the text as if Eggers mother is alive at this present moment, therefore demonstrating an innate inability to deal with death that came as a result of the death of his parents and the proper closure he was denied. Throughout the memoir a close friend of Eggers teeters on the brink of committing suicide and dealing with depression. A situation such this would usually be dealt with, with the utmost concern, yet throughout the memoir Eggers brushes the friend of as if the situation were anything but grave, at one point when dealing with john’s suicide attempts saying. “ What am I doing here? I hate this guy … ‘did you already do it? ‘ I’m wired from the drive the run up the stairs. ‘Did you already do it? Fuck you if you did, you fucking cocksucker.” (262,Eggers) Eggers wields expletives and talks in the sense that demonstrates a lack of concern or even care for his friend or that the situation could be fatal. He doesn’t believe John and constantly refuses to believe that John has committed suicide but rather, “ This is just stupid” and “ I mean drinking alone? The wine and he pills and everything? You’re such a fucking cliché!” (266, Eggers) Eggers constant insensitivity show his inability to deal with deal or death related issues and how this in turn has effected him and rendered him unable to deal with John’s countless suicide attempts and life rife with depression. He finds John’s death related and consequential problems not even worth words on the pages as demonstrated through the following excerpt from the text,

”’I read about it in the paper’ he says.

‘Yeah.’

‘They’re going to nail that landlord. He’s got about a hundred other violations on his record.’

‘Yeah”

Is there anything I can do?’ He asks

‘No, I don’t think so.’

Pause

‘So I was spitting up blood again today..’”

(Eggers, 331 )

And with that the segment ends, abruptly giving no further attention to John’s situation. It’s as if because of Eggers inability to deal with death, John’s situation doesn’t merit any attention whatsoever, when it clearly seems to be quite serious. Egger inability is further demonstrated through the serious injury of a friend, Shalini (Eggers,326); who is comatose as a result of an injury, throughout her comatose state Egger gives little information about her situation, instead vaguely referring to her as the worst off as a result of the injury. Yet two girls involved in the incident had died and were by far the worst of yet he refuses to acknowledge them and instead refers to Shalini as the worst off. (Eggers, 329) He also refuses to acknowledge Shalini’s grave situation and doctors statements instead changing the subject to avoid talking about the said subject. It becomes evident through these differing instances that as a result of lack of closure and the sudden death of his parents, Eggers is rendered unable to deal with death itself as well as instances even remotely related to death, thus demonstrating deaths powerful effects and consequences.

The cessation of certain matters or situations, these drawing a metaphorical parallel with the latter inability to accept death of death related matters are another adverse affect of death. As with death Eggers seems intent on denying the obvious fact being the end of things. A prime example, which is rampant through the novel, is his denial of the termination of his relationship with his girlfriend, Kirsten. “ So first when we broke up Kirsten decided she would move to San Francisco … so I would be less tempted to spy on her when curdled with sudden jealousy at one on the morning on a Saturday, convinced that she was at home, on her couch with someone much more masculine than myself.” (Eggers, 292) As was the case with the way Eggers dealt with death it is not the reaction or behavior itself that is abnormal but rather the point in time that the reaction occurred. Eggers still reacts the way one would in the weeks following a breakup, many months after. Just as with his inability to accept, he is unable to accept the cessation of his relationship with Kirsten. This s yet again illustrated some chapters later when Eggers happens upon Bill Clinton. Despite being broken up with Kirsten for a long period of time his first reaction is to call her, “ I ran to a phone to call Kirsten, she was in bed.” (Eggers, 288) It demonstrates his reluctance, his inability to let go, to accept the end. Its not as if they are friends who keep in regular contact in fact after the breakup Kirsten is rarely mentioned. The said inability of Eggers is not just present in the relationship between Kirsten and he; rather it is rampant throughout all relationships, specifically with his siblings. With both parents gone all that remains is his family; his sister and his two brothers. Not did his girlfriend exit his life very early on but prior to this his eldest brother and his sister leave as well. His eldest brother moved away and kept little to no contact or influence in the lives of his siblings; following this Eggers sister also did the same although in this case she was an influential part of Eggers life that abruptly disappeared. As a result he neglects to mention any of his absent siblings throughout the novel, he suddenly ceases to mention them until the end of the memoir when it is absolutely necessary. In regards to Toph, Eggers constantly spends time with him in what seems to be an effort to not to allow the same fate to befall Toph as has his siblings. Death has left Eggers with an inability that touches every aspect of his life going so far as rendering him so affected that the absence of his siblings is unmentionable. All of this collaborates together and draws a parallel between his inabilities to also accept death, which demonstrates that Eggers is also unable to accept the conclusion of certain things. Anything that even metaphorically represents death is that which Eggers is unable to deal with, as demonstrated by his inability to deal with the cessation of certain events.

The final adverse affect of death present though out ASWOHG that came about as a result of death and lack of closure is yet another inability. Which is an inability to accept an inevitable fact of life, the progression of youth. This said inability also stemming from fear of death. Eggers flees from the progression of his youth though immature attempts to appear young. Eggers engages in immature binge drinking throughout the memoir, which is an admission of his attempt to deny youths its natural progression. Yet again it is not the behavior that is abnormal or a demonstration of that which is wrong but rather the circumstances. Eggers is at this point in his mid to late 20’s and describes a night out with a friend, “ drinking at the bar, pounding like in a prom limo” (Eggers, 142) Behavior that which is not expected of man in his mid twenties with a child whom he is responsible for. This type of behavior becomes commonplace throughout the novel, in most cases culminating in meaningless sex, with a close friend, an old high school acquaintance, a sexologist, to mention a few. This is contrary to the person Eggers is in other aspects of his life, a responsible, respectable, rational man. This demonstrates Eggers attempts to deny the progression of his youth, his inability to deal with the inevitable fact that is growing. The deaths of his parents have affected him so deeply that even a simple thing such as the progression of youth, which is remotely connected to death, is an issue he is unable to accept or deal with.

This fear of death leads to paranoia where Eggers sees death at every crossroad and corner. A prime example of this is Eggers’ fear of leaving his brother Toph alone or under the care of others,

“I will come home and the door will be open wide. The babysitter will be gone and there will be silence. And at once I will know. There will be the smell of everything perfectly wrong. At the steps up to Toph’s room there will be blood. Blood on the walls, handprints soaked in blood.”

(Eggers, 124)

Eggers continues to describe this gruesome scene, that his brother has died at the hands of the babysitter, all this being untrue and just Eggers’s paranoia shining through. Throughout the memoir instances such as this occur, at some points even interrupting the though of Eggers whilst he writes, demonstrating the sheer magnitude of his paranoia. This progresses to the point when Eggers feels unable to go out as a result of his paranoia of his brother’s death. The lack of closure, the abrupt deaths of parents have not only left him with previously mentioned ailments and effects but also too with paranoia of death that affects his everyday activities.

Death is truly revealed as a powerful force and one that can have many effects. Eggers parents abrupt and surprising deaths left a severe and lasting effect upon Eggers, rendering him unable to accept death itself or anything remotely related to it, whether it is an inability to accept death, the cessation of certain events or situations, a need to engage intransient pleasures as a result of an inability to accept the progression of youth, as well as instilling a deep seated paranoia of death at every corner. Death is a catalyst for many things causing effects that are long lasting and permanent, it being a truly powerful force, the most powerful force.

A follower

Natalie "unknown middle name" Loney is the first follower of this blog and it is an honour. I would like to personally thank you Nabi and will grant you a signed photocopy of all original posts. I am honoured.
Seriously though I'm humbled I had no idea I would gain followers. Thanks Cuz!!
Love yah,
see you when I get back.

Life is an Atacama Desert

I don't know what I want
nor what I need
and every time I do
my mind rescinds on me
a human Pandora's box
that I am
all secrets even to me
search if you please
for I am at odds even to the purpose of me
and I am at odds to the point of it all
is not life just an Atacama Desert
you wander and wander
and find naught.....................................Nothing
nothing at all

The Unsatisfiable Human Nature

The mind works in mysterious ways does it not?
Whilst doing one thing it nonetheless yearns for the opposite. Never really allowing an accurate view or appraisal of what the human nature naturally yearns for. When doing one thing it seems as if the mind becomes fed up with the natural, the routine. Maybe this a reason that routine becomes so undesirable and unappealing?

But this revelation begs the question why a break from routine is so hard to accept. We become bored with routine and long for something new and afresh but really once opportunity presents its self it becomes daunting and almost foreboding in a sense, striking fear of the unknown and new, the yet to come, the very thing that has been wanted for so long suddenly seems to be that which is most fearful. Why? But even once this fear is overcome and triumphed, the very experience which we now are about experience becomes that which we wished to escape in the first place.
From the mundane to the mundane. Human nature can never be satisfied, always yearning for more, for that inevitable break from routine, which in turn we fear and then loath.


so whats the point?
Is there really a point to all this or will we as human and with this unsatisfiable nature never be satisfied. Should we continue searching for more for that which will not become mundane or is it futile?
Is it worth it or will we never be satisfied, never find what we are looking for? Maybe our human nature is just that, unsatisfiable. Human nature is an unsatisfiable urge to experience more and more, never ending and truly meaning that all who live are living unsatisfied, yearning for more yet constrained by society's binding rules, that which cannot be denied and must be followed.


So has society put this dilemma upon us condemning our thirst for more by dictating that life must be a beast of routine, that should not be altered and changed. Condemning all that allow this dictation to control to live unsatisfied and left wanting keeping these feeling suppressed and undetected lest forbid someone discover that there truly is a want for more.

Maybe what I'm attempting at is that I just feel as if the world is discouraging the following of dreams. The current society norm just doesn't seem to encourage following all five thousand different things I want to experience. But then again I haven't been known for following the norm.

As the English say, I'll get it sorted.
someday.....

Mediocrity

Mediocrity is my greatest fear
it binds me
and winds me
till the explode
mediocrity is my greatest fear
to strive for it all
and fail
to just fall
stop short of it all
a noone
not someone
mediocrity is my greatest fear
to attempt it all
and yet appear
to fail and fall
mediocrity strikes fear
in here
in me.
That is what I fear
to always second guess
look through the tinted lens
Mediocrity
Fear